I drive a Miata, no I'm not gay. Or old. Or a woman. It is not lowered or pimped out and it seems like at least once a week, the owner of some parking lot or the department of transportation decides my oil pan would work better if it weren't attached to my car.
Whomever invented the speed bump needs to be shot, keel hauled, drawn and quartered, and then killed. If they are already dead, then I will go dig them up and then run them over with my car a few times, to see how effective of a speed bump they would make.
First off let's analyze the speed bump. It is designed to make you slow down so that you don't run over some retired bed wetter shambling out of walmart after Senior Savings day. Apparently we are fully expected to see a low lying road colored object with faded yellow stripes and slow down for it, but Soccer Mom Sally and her gaggle of dirty little rug rats wearing bright yellow pokemon shirts is invisible to us and we would careen into them at 80.
Plus assuming you are too busy trying to blow yourself that you run into said speedbump at triple digit speeds you will probably cause more harm then otherwise when you catapult yourself into the nearest nunnery/explosives factory.
Even if you aren't ripping your oil pan off on speedbumps or using them as launch ramps, they still have deadly consequences. First off they are destroying the planet. Imagine how much CO2 is being expelled from all the slowing down and then accelerating after a bump. They are also killing people in desperate need of medical attention. Imagine you just fell down and broke your back after trying to install your new sex swing in the ceiling before your Shaquita comes over for movie night. Do you really want the ambulance to have to take a 2 hour detour so that you don't suffer irreparable nerve damage from riding over the 312 speed bumps between your house and Grady Memorial? I think not.
So next time you're faced by a speed bump look for a small child to run over instead, because apparently we don't know the difference.
4 comments:
I'm having your very own little rug rat in less than 3 weeks and I'm going to change my name to Soccer mom Sally.
Ask your wife about speed bumps & how she thought you were supposed to drive over them when she was about 16. You'll be stunned.
I think that I heard that story about Drena but now I can't remember it!
If Drena was having a girl she could be Dance Mom Drena....unless Oliver likes ballet.
I hate speed bumps too - crazy Walmart in San Leandro has no speed bumps in front where all the people are crossing to their cars - you would like that, but it does have several in the back alley - where there are no doors and therefore no pedestrians. It doesn't make any sense. (I drive back there because it is the way to the large office complex Steve works in.)
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